Deepest, Darkest Secrets
by Seadragon
Summary: Seadragon and Faithful team up on unsuspecting Tamora Pierce characters! [Chapter 4 up, in the words of my good buddy, FINALLY! Took you long enough!]
1. Of Yellow Jello and Shoes of Power

Disclaimer: I do NOT own any Tamora Pierce characters, or Dentyne Ice. But I do own the Yellow Jello Which Are Bent On The Doom And Destruction Of The World and the Incredibly Evil Shoes of Power, as well as the Chocolate Chipmunks Which Rule Over All That Is Good And Chocolaty! And The Dictionaries of Tremendous Super Invisibility Powers.  
  
Worm: *steals disclaimer*  
  
Abel: What are you doing Worm?! I think everyone is goin gto notice that Seadragon does NOT own Tamora Pierce's characters as well as Dentyne Ice! And do you want people to steal the Yellow Jello Which Are Bent On The Doom And Destruction Of The World and the Incredibly Evil Shoes of Power, as well as the Chocolate Chipmunks Which Rule Over All That Is Good And Chocolaty! And The Dictionaries of Tremendous Super Invisibility Powers? DO YOU?!  
  
Kade: Be calm Abel. Wait, what am I saying?! *draws swords and waves it threateningly at Worm until be puts the disclaimer back*  
  
Worm: You never let me have any fun! *pouts* Ooo I know! *runs backstage, rummaging noises can be heard*  
  
Abel: What is she doing?  
  
Kade: How would I know?  
  
Worm: *still rummaging* Ah ha! *noises of something being plugged in are heard*  
  
KA-BOOM!  
  
Worm: Ouch!  
  
Kade: Worm! What the hell are you doing?! ________________________________________________________________  
  
Random Annoying Announcer Dude (RAAD): Welcome to the show where we kidnap random characters from Tamora Pierce's (amazing) stories and make them reveal their deepest, darkest secrets, or they have to do a dare! And please welcome your host Seadragon!  
  
Seadragon: *runs on in long black Matrix trench coat with wicked black sunglasses* Hi every. *is cut off by falling warhammer* Now Keladry! That wasn't very nice! Just because I chose Faithful for my co-host instead of you doesn't mean you half to try and kill me! But thanks for the hammer, it will come in handy for convincing my objects of torture, er guests, to answer truthfully!  
  
*Keladry sticks tongue out at Seadragon and gestured rudely from the rafters*  
  
Seadragon: *sits on her stool* and please welcome my co-host Faithful!  
  
Faithful: *runs on stage and jumps onto matching stool next to Seadragon*  
  
Random Audience Member 1: Hey! It's a cat!  
  
Random Audience Member 2: Ya! I didn't pay to see a stupid cat! What can it do?!  
  
Faithful: *sneers elegantly at the random audience members* Keladry  
  
Keladry: *drops 2 more hammers onto random audience members*  
  
Random Audience Members: *dead*  
  
Faithful: Thank you Keladry.  
  
Seadragon: Well that was interesting! And now for our commercial break! ________________________________________________________________  
  
Keladry: Do need to get rid of someone you hate? *holds up warhammer and points to Neal* Observe. *drops hammer on Neal's head*  
  
Neal: *dead*  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
Seadragon: And now for our first guest! Please welcome. SIR ALANNA THE LIONESS OF PIRATE'S SWOOP AND OLAU!  
  
Bob: *drags struggling Lioness onto the stage*  
  
Seadragon: Oops! I forgot! This is Bob, who brings us our next victims- er, guests! Bob: Hi  
  
Alanna: Where am I?! Faithful?! What are you doing here?!  
  
Faithful: You are on the stage of the Terrifying Pit of Torture, er did I say Terrifying Pit of Torture? I meant studio! You're on the show where we kidnap random characters from Tamora Pierce's (amazing) stories and make them reveal their deepest, darkest secrets, or they have to do a dare! I'm the co-host of course! *sticks nose in the air* and you are our next random character from Tamora Pierce's (amazing) stories and you are going to reveal our deepest, darkest secrets, or you have to do a dare!  
  
Alanna: *brandishes sword* where is this Tamora Pierce?! I'll show her! I don't belong to anyone!  
  
Seadragon: Oh no you don't *snaps fingers and Alanna's sword disappears*  
  
Alanna: *stares at Seadragon in shock* Who the CENSORED are you?! And give me back my CENSORED sword!  
  
Seadragon: Now, now, none of that! Watch your language missy!  
  
Alanna: *gives Seadragon death glare*  
  
Seadragon: *falls over dead*  
  
*Revival Crew (RC) rushes on stage and brings Seadragon back to life*  
  
Alanna: Why! Why must everyone undo my work! First Thom brought Roger back, now you! *glares at RC*  
  
RC: *shrugs and rushes of stage*  
  
Seadragon: Alright Alanna, now sit! *points at third stool*  
  
Alanna: *sits down and pouts*  
  
Seadragon: There, there, maybe Jon can cheer you up.  
  
Alanna: *sits up straight and fixes her hair* Why? Is he here too?  
  
Seadragon: No. *thinks for a minute and gives evil grin* But he could be! Bob!  
  
Bob: *runs on stage and bows to Seadragon*  
  
Seadragon: Go find King Jonathan of Tortall! And bring back here to the Terrifying Pit of Torture, damn it! Studio, not Terrifying Pit of Torture!  
  
Bob: *bows again and rushes of to find Jon*  
  
Alanna: *awestruck* how long did it take you to teach him that trick?!  
  
Seadragon: Not long, you see when you have a knife in your hand, it is very easy to persuade people to do what you want.  
  
Alanna: *smiles evilly* oh I know. You and I could be great friends.  
  
Faithful: *cowers in his seat*  
  
Seadragon: You know, your right. Faithful! You're fired! Well after this episode you are! Alanna, will you be my new co-host? Pretty please with Dentyne Ice on top?  
  
Alanna: *thinks for a minute* Well. all right! But only if I can bring my Incredibly Evil Shoes of Power!  
  
Seadragon: Sure! So these incredibly evil shoes of power, what can they do?  
  
Faithful: *coughs*  
  
Alanna: Oh Faithful! Are you sick? I'll heal you! *hands shine purple*  
  
Faithful: *groans* I hate to interrupt your terribly important conversation, but can we please get on with the show!  
  
Seadragon: Oh right. Sure Faithful. First we will have questions from your friends (or enemies) Alanna! *snickers not so innocently*  
  
Alanna: *looks warily around her as if expecting someone to come out and attack her*  
  
Faithful: Our first letter is from Duke Roger of Conte. He wants to know why you had to kill him. TWICE. *scowls at Alanna* You killed him twice?! Nice work.  
  
Alanna: Well, you see. It was all the Incredibly Evil Shoes of Power. THEY told me to do it! I had no choice!  
  
Faithful: Right *rolls eyes*  
  
Alanna: *toys with knife* What you don't believe me?  
  
Faithful: No. *snorts* Seadragon: Jonathan wants to know why you insist on carrying packets of yellow jello everywhere?  
  
Alanna: Well you see, its like this: I always have my packets of the Yellow Jello Which Are Bent On The Doom And Destruction Of The World (!) because, I eat it when I have to face an evil enemy to give me the power of the Yellow Jello Which Are Bent On The Doom And Destruction Of The World!!! Mwah ha ha ha!  
  
Seadragon: Wicked! *grins evilly* I need some of the Yellow Jello Which Are Bent On The Doom And Destruction Of The World!  
  
Alanna: NO! The Yellow Jello Which Are Bent On The Doom And Destruction Of The World are mine! And mine alone! *gives Seadragon the death glare*  
  
Seadragon: *dead*  
  
RC: *rush on and revive Seadragon*  
  
Alanna: *wailing* Why does everyone always reverse MY work?! It's not fair! *sniffles*  
  
Seadragon: I'm sorry! But do to the Yellow Jello Which Are Bent On The Doom And Destruction Of The World and the Incredibly Evil Shoes of Power, we are out of time! *fixes wicked Matrix sunglasses* Faithful, you're fired!  
  
Faithful: *frowns* Why me?!  
  
Alanna: *stares at Seadragon* I need a black trench coat and wicked Matrix sunglasses too! *whines some more*  
  
Seadragon: OK! *parts black trench coat and pulls out matching trench coat and wicked Matrix glasses and hands them to Alanna* Goodbye everyone! And tune in next week for.  
  
Audience: the show where we kidnap random characters from Tamora Pierce's (amazing) stories and make them reveal their deepest, darkest secrets, or they have to do a dare!  
  
Seadragon: And I'm your host, Seadragon! ________________________________________________________________  
  
Next up is King Jonathan of Tortall! Please send in your questions for him! It will be longer, but we ran out of time thanks to, Yellow Jello Which Are Bent On The Doom And Destruction Of The World and the Incredibly Evil Shoes of Power!  
  
Our sponsors today were: the Chocolate Chipmunks Which Rule Over All That Is Good And Chocolaty! And: The Dictionaries of Tremendous Super Invisibility Powers (which are why there are many spelling mistakes!)  
  
Kade: What is she talking about???  
  
Abel: I don't know, you're supposed to control Seadragon's sanity, not me! I'm just the creativity and beauty.  
  
Worm: That's right, everyone forget all about the pyromaniac! I'll have you know there wouldn't be a big crater backstage if it wasn't for m That's right, everyone forget all about the pyromaniac! I'll have you know there wouldn't be a big crater backstage if it wasn't for my expertise in blowing up curling irons!  
  
Abel: So it was you who stole my curling iron!  
  
Worm: NO! You've got it all wrong! That was Kade! The Kleptomaniac!  
  
Kade: *snatches pen back from Worm* What are YOU talking about?! You're the kleptomaniac AND the pyromaniac! I'm in charge of sanity! And keep me out of this!  
  
Abel: *advances on Worm, growling fiercely*  
  
Worm: *whimpers and runs away*  
  
Seadragon: *shrugs* Oh well! Please review and give questions for Jon! 


	2. Of Pies of Tortue and Squeaky Mouse 3002...

Disclaimer: I do NOT own any Tamora Pierce characters, or the Amazingly Awesome Entrance (owned by Alanna)! But I do own: Screaming Jellybean Cake That Lights Up, Pies Of Extreme Magical And Torturous Powers, Squeaky Mouse 3001, Squeaky Mouse 3002 Turbo Edition, Neal's De-Stiffifying Spray .  
  
Worm: *lights a match and holds it up to the disclaimer*  
  
Abel: *blows out match and frowns at Worm*  
  
Kade: I thought we already went over this Worm! As much as you want to, you cannot destroy the disclaimer! Seadragon DOES NOT own any of Tamora Pierce's characters.  
  
Abel: *nods* Also, do you want the Screaming Jellybean Cake That Lights Up, the Pies Of Extreme Magical And Torturous Powers, Squeaky Mouse 3001, Squeaky Mouse 3002 Turbo Edition, Neal's De-Stiffifying Spray . to be stolen?  
  
Worm: Why can't I do anything?! *whips out a match and lights it* Hee hee hee. *throws match into Abel's hair and runs*  
  
Kade: WORM!  
  
Abel: *shrieks* I'll get you for this you slimy little worm! *starts crying*  
  
Worm: Keladry?  
  
Keladry: Nope, not unless you give me ten thousand pieces of Screaming Jellybean Cake That Lights Up!  
  
Worm: Ten thousand pieces?! Are you crazy?! *grumbles* Oh fine. *tosses Keladry a basket she grabbed from Seadragon's stool*  
  
Keladry: *giggles* Finally I have my Screaming Jellybean Cake That Lights Up! The world will be mine! *starts laughing insanely*  
  
Kade: *chasing after Worm*  
  
Abel: *screaming and crying*  
  
Worm: KELADRY! *screams as Pies Of Extreme Magical and Torturous Powers hit her in the head*  
  
Keladry: *stops laughing* Oh right. *drops war hammer on Kade*  
  
Worm: AND?!!  
  
Keladry: *huffy* I was getting to that! *drops war hammer on Abel*  
  
Kade: *dead*  
  
Abel: *dead*  
  
RC (Revival Crew): *bring Kade and Abel back to life*  
  
Worm: Now I know how Alanna feels! *gulp*  
  
Kade and Abel: *glaring menacingly at her* ________________________________________________________________  
  
Random Annoying Announcer Dude (RAAD): Welcome to the show where we kidnap random characters from Tamora Pierce's (amazing) stories and make them reveal their deepest, darkest secrets, or they have to do a dare! And please welcome your host Seadragon!  
  
Seadragon: *runs on in long black Matrix trench coat with wicked black sunglasses* Hi everybody! Hey I actually got to finish this time! No Keladry! That's not what I meant. *is cut off by falling war hammer, snickering is heard from rafters*  
  
RAAD: Umm Seadragon? *pokes her*  
  
Seadragon: *dead*  
  
RC: Already?! *revive Seadragon*  
  
Seadragon: *sits on her stool and squashes Squeaky Mouse 3001* AH! No! Not the Squeaky Mouse 3001! How could I?! *cries*  
  
Alanna: *walks on stage wearing a long black Matrix trench coat with wicked black Matrix sunglasses* Be quiet Seadragon! You're distracting them from my Amazingly Awesome Entrance! *sits on the stool next to Seadragon and squashes Squeaky Mouse 3002 Turbo Edition* Oops.  
  
Seadragon: *sniffs and looks at Squeaky Mouse 3002 Turbo Edition* WAH!!!!!!!!!  
  
Alanna: *puts head in hands* Why me?!  
  
Seadragon: *bawling*  
  
Alanna: Oh well, and now for our commercial break! ________________________________________________________________  
  
Neal: Are you too stiff and old fashioned?  
  
Lord Wyldon: YES!  
  
Neal: That was odd. Well have I got the product for you! *points to an extra large bottle of Neal's De-Stiffifying Spray* Now observe. *points extra large bottle of Neal's De-Stiffifying Spray at Lord Wyldon*  
  
Lord Wyldon: What do you think you are doing Sir Nealan?! *horrified look*  
  
Neal: Why De-Stiffifying you of course! *rolls eyes*  
  
Lord Wyldon: No! You cant! *shudders* Then I wouldn't be the Stump!  
  
Neal: I know! *grins evilly and sprays Lord Wyldon* ________________________________________________________________  
  
Seadragon: Welcome back to the show where we kidnap random characters from Tamora Pierce's (amazing) stories and make them reveal their deepest, darkest secrets, or they have to do a dare!  
  
Alanna: And I'm the new co-host! *war hammer drops on her head*  
  
Faithful: *insane laughing from the rafters*  
  
Alanna: FAITHFUL! I'll get you, you prissy animal!  
  
Seadragon: Oh dear. Cohost wars, I had forgotten about those. *glances around, sees Neal and grins evily*  
  
Neal: *gulp*  
  
Seadragon: And now for Neal, with a little about the history of Co-host wars! (This wasn't scheduled, but I need time to catch Faithful)  
  
Neal: Er.  
  
Audience Member #3: Hey! This kid's stupid!  
  
Seadragon: *kills Audience Member #3* Just for those of you who will give me a hard time about #3, remember that 1 and 2 are dead. *smiles*  
  
Neal: Umm, back in 2003, there was a tragic co-host battle. James and Lily Potter, (then Lily Evans), had a bit of a fight. Both on show and off. If I remember correctly, it was a long story. It started with ice cream and continued with pineapples, skulls and crossbones, unpoppable bubbles, and is still going with non-unlockable doors, as well as a dare and a tricky little truth spell.  
  
Audience Member #4: What do these people have to do with anything?! We don't know who they are!  
  
Neal: *shudders* Yes, but we do. Oh the memories, the bad-d-d-d memories.  
  
Audience member #4: Right.  
  
Neal: Yo! Kel!  
  
Kel: *drops war hammer on Audience Member #4*  
  
Neal: Thank you, thank you very much.  
  
Kel: *drops war hammer on Neal*  
  
Neal: ouch.  
  
Seadragon: Er. Thank you Neal for that history lesson! Moving on.  
  
Neal: It was nothing, did I ever tell you about the great History Class Revolt of '02?  
  
Seadragon: 2002?  
  
Neal: No, 402. What's 2002?  
  
Seadragon: *shakes head* Never mind. Now shut up or you're going to be history.  
  
Neal: *pouts*  
  
Seadragon: By the way, you have to leave now, its Jon's turn.  
  
Neal: Aww. Why?!  
  
Seadragon: It's Jon's turn.  
  
Neal: Why?!  
  
Seadragon: IT'S JON"S TURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Neal: Jeez, no need to spaz. *leaves* 


	3. Of Random Rabid Penguins and the Untimel...

Disclaimer: Guess what?! I don't own it! I know, I was surprised too! But… I do own: Uh… Nothing? Yah, that sounds about right… Wait! The Random Rabid Penguins are mine! And so is Billy Joe Bob, the sponge that met the stinky end…

- - - - -

Worm: You know, just when I was beginning to think we were free from this awful story…

Abel: Tough luck isn't it?

Kade: I feel sorry for us…

Seadragon: SORRY FOR YOU?!! What about me?! YOU LIVE IN MY HEAD!

Kade: I know, that's why I feel sorry for us.

Seadragon: See what I have to put up with? Even figments of my deranged imagination insult me!

Abel: Get over it.

Worm: La la la laa, la la la laa, hey-ey ohhh, goodbye!

- - - - -

RAAD: Welcome to the show where we kidnap random characters from Tamora Pierce's (amazing) stories and make them reveal their deepest, darkest secrets, or they have to do a dare! And please welcome your host Seadragon!

Seadragon: *runs on* HELP ME!!

Alanna: *stares*

Random Rabid Penguins (RRP): *chase her*

Random Audience Member (RAM) 1: Am I the only one wondering what exactly is going on?

Alanna: No, definitely not.

RAM 1: Oh, okay then.

Seadragon: Are you people just going to _let_ me die?!

Alanna: That sounds about right.

Seadragon: Oh, okay then. *stops running and sits down on her stool* You know what I was thinking?

Alanna: Lets put it this way, do I want to know?

Seadragon: *flaps her hand* Doesn't matter, I'm going to tell you anyway.

Alanna: Gee, how ever did I guess?

RAM 2: *gasp* She's a psychic! 

RAM 3: *screams*

Alanna: Alright then.

Seadragon: Well, I was thinking…

RRP: *glare*

Seadragon: One minute! You can kill me after I tell her this!

Alanna: How you got this far escapes me…

Seadragon: *thoughtful look* Y'know, my guidance counselor said the exact same thing…

Alanna: Why ever did I agree to this?

Seadragon: I dunno. Anyways, I was thinking we need to introduce more characters, we just don't have enough people to make all the sarcastic comments we need!

Alanna: In a strange, twisted way, that actually makes sense. And that's what scares me.

Seadragon: *grins evilly* It should.

RAM 4: Can we get on with it please?!

Seadragon: Oi! Keladry!

Keladry: *drops war hammer on RAM 4*

R/C: AGAIN?!

Seadragon: Look at it this way, you're getting _tons_ of business.

Alanna: Only you could put it that way.

Seadragon: I know! Isn't it great?!

Alanna: Somehow, I was thinking more along the lines of disturbing, but, what the hey! It's all good.

Seadragon: Just like peanut butter and ice cubes!

Alanna: Ew?

Seadragon: Actually, not really… See, you just have to-

Alanna: I'll pass, thanks.

Seadragon: Meh, your loss. But, like I was saying, and you agree, we need more people!

Alanna: Sure… Whatever floats your boat.

Seadragon: Lily?

Alanna: She kinda rubs off on you after a while.

Seadragon: *dryly* I noticed. So, who should we bring on board?

Alanna: Uh…

Seadragon: I KNOW!

Alanna: *cringe*

Seadragon: Oi! Bob!

Bob: *rushes on stage and bows* Yes mistress?

Seadragon: Bring me… Treanz-Alyce! 

Bob: *rushes off*

Alanna: Oh no! Not _her_!

Seadragon: *innocent grin*

Alanna: Y'know, the only one worse than Treanz, is… Actually, you.

Seadragon: Aww… That's so sweet! I didn't know you cared!

Alanna: I don't.

Seadragon: Well then! That hurts. But isn't it time we bring on our special guest?

Alanna: We have guests?

Seadragon: *smacks head* Oh course silly!

Alanna: You've been watching FriendsTM again, haven't you?

Seadragon: Fine! You caught me!

RRP: *growl*

Seadragon: Eek!

Alanna: *sigh*

Seadragon: Alright, we need to get Jon here, but I already sent Bob on a mission… Hmm.

Alanna: Why don't you just go get him yourself?

Seadragon: *stares* But that would be… Work!

Alanna: The things I get myself into.

Seadragon: Hey! I resent that!

Alanna: As you should.

Seadragon: True. *thinks* I don't know why I didn't think of this before! Billy!

Billy: *rushes on stage and bows* Yes mistress?

Alanna: *stares* Isn't that… Bob?

Seadragon: No, no. That's his identical triplet, Billy.

Alanna: Tri-plet?

Seadragon: *nods* Yup! Billy Joe Bob!

(A/N: Sorry everyone, I just _had_ to do that! No one except me will get that though, so don't even try. See, my friend and I had a pet sponge at the stable, named Billy Joe Bob, and our other friend got really annoyed with him, and threw him in the dumpster, so, of course, we jumped in after… And the rest is history.)

Alanna: *blinks*

Seadragon: Billy! Go get me King Jonathan of Tortall!

Billy: *runs off*

Seadragon: I always knew I could count on Billy. *sigh*

Alanna: *shakes her head*

Billy: *rushes back*

Jon: Holy shit! Where am I?! Oh, hey Alanna! *sly smile* How you doin'?

Alanna: Alright, that's it! You've got a lot to answer to Warner BrosTM!

RAM 5: I'm beginning to wonder why I wanted to be part of the audience.

RAM 6: Join the club.

Seadragon: Hey! I have to ask you questions now!

Alanna: One thing. How did Jon get here _before_ Treanz? Not that I'm complaining or anything!

Seadragon: Duh! Treanz is in Australia! Jon was only in Tortall!

Alanna: I'm not even going to bother trying to reason with you.

Seadragon: Probably a good idea. Now, for your first question! From Lyra of Queenscove, **_jon, whut is with drinkin' weird red dragon tea? can't u b normal like the rest of us. royal authority is no excuse in this one!_**

Jon: Uh, can you repeat that? In English preferably.

Seadragon: Don't mind her, people are like that. It says; _Jon, what is with drinking the weird Red Dragon Tea? Can't you be normal like the rest of us? Royal authority is no excuse in this one!_

Jon: Uh… Uh…

Seadragon: This is sad.

Alanna: Agreed. For once.

Jon: HEY! You're supposed to be on my side!

Alanna: Am I not?

Jon: *narrows his eyes*

Seadragon: Hey! For once, I'm not the stupidest here!

Jon: Okay, that was mean.

Seadragon: I never said it was you.

Jon: *blushes* Oh, who is it then?

Seadragon: You.

Alanna: *groans and rolls her eyes*

Jon: *whacks his head against the conveniently placed wall*

RRP: *chanting* Must eat Seadragon, must eat Seadragon!

Seadragon: Alright, that's just plain freaky.

Alanna: What? The fact that the Random Rabid Penguins want to eat you?

Seadragon: No. What are you? Stupid? Can't you hear them?! Have you _ever_ heard a talking penguin?!

Alanna: Funny, I was a little more preoccupied with the fact that they wanted to eat you…

Jon: *whacks his head… Again.*

Seadragon: Alrighty then, so, Jon, why _do_ you drink the nasty tea?

Alanna: *sigh*

- - - - -

And a special thanks to today's sponsors!

_The Fantasic Fabulous Fanatic Fan People!_

And

_The Purple Flying Donkey of Doom (that doesn't cry, because he can fly)_


	4. KIND: The Epidemic Coming soon to a town...

Disclaimer: I don't own nothing! Except for: the White Chocolate Turtle Men in Charge of Hostile Collection, the Evil Overlord Auction, KIND (**K**ind, **I**ntelligent, **N**ice, **D**o-gooder Disease, tragic, that) the Bomber Cockroaches, the Raging Gorilla Mice that came with Uzis… And, of course, myself! (Myself being Seadragon of course. See? Just scroll your eyes up a _little_ bit, and… Ta Da! Author: Seadragon!)

- - - - -

And now, without further ado, please welcome: THE VOICES FROM BEYOND!

Or, Worm, Abel, and Kade, my three, semi-insane muses. Well, if you add them up, you get one, completely insane, klepto/pyro, with several issues not worth the time it would take to delve into them…

- - - - -

Worm: She always does this!

Abel: Does what?

Kade: Yes Worm, please explain.

Worm: She goes a really long time without updating!

Kade: I feel an and coming on.

Worm: And, 

Kade: And there it is!

Worm: *rolls eyes* She leads us to hope that this story has been cancelled! I mean, what, this is the fourth chapter in how long?

Abel: Almost a year.

Worm: See what I mean?!

Kade: Sadly, yes.

Abel: Can we just get on with it?

Kade: Again, sadly, no.

- - - - -

Seadragon: Contrary to popular belief, I have not abandoned this story!

Alanna: Unfortunately.

Seadragon: I have just, er, been, er, *hopefully* busy?

Alanna: She means lazy.

Seadragon: *indignantly* Do not! I've updated plenty of other stuff haven't I?

Alanna: She means, uh…

Seadragon: *rolls eyes* Well _done_ Mrs. Lioness! You have just won the award for the stupidest person on the show!

Alanna: *confused* I thought Jon won that…

Seadragon: Key word there: _thought_.

Alanna: *narrows eyes* Speaking of Jon,

Seadragon: *edges away slowly*

Alanna: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!

Seadragon: Er… Nothing?

Alanna: Oh right, I'm supposed to believe that!

Treanz: She does have a point you know, you don't exactly scream honest.

Alanna: Great, just great.

Seadragon: Good to have you here Treanz, ready for some character torturing?

Treanz: *evil grin* Oh, _very_.

Seadragon: Just what I like to hear.

Treanz: By the way, who's up this time?

Seadragon: *swoons* Neal…

Alanna: Neal? This day really can't get much worse…

Thayet: Oh Alanna-a!

Alanna: Someone kill me now.

Seadragon: *bouncing up and down with her hand waving around frantically* Oh! Me! Pick me!

Treanz: Great, now you got her all excited!

Alanna: Er… I'm sorry?

Treanz: Yah, sure.

Thayet: Alanna! You promised you'd go shopping today!

Alanna: What?! No I didn't!

Seadragon: *innocently* Oh, did I forget to tell you that? Silly me. *grins evilly*

Treanz: You?

Seadragon: Me.

Treanz: Very nice.

White Chocolate Turtle Men in Charge of Hostile Collection Commander: *salutes* Ma'am! We are ready to round up Hostile 17!

Treanz: *narrows eyes* I thought I took those DVDs away…

Seadragon: What's the harm in a little Buffy?

Treanz: I worry about you sometimes. No, sorry, correction. I worry about the people around you, _all_ the time.

Seadragon: *flaps a hand at Treanz and turns back to the WCTMCHC Commander* Well? Get on with it then!

WCTMCHC Commander: Yes ma'am! *salutes again and the WCTMCHC march away again*

Treanz: You certainly have an interesting array of, er, hired help.

Seadragon: *nods* I got them for a steal at the Evil Overlord Auction last week.

Treanz: Oh really? How was that? I missed it.

Alanna: Um? Hello? Hi. Me again. Just wondering, _where the hell is the king_?!

Treanz: *baby voice* Aww! Looks wike Awanna has got a wittle cwush!

Alanna: Grr…

Seadragon: Now, now! No violence on my show!

All: *freeze, turn, and stare at her*

Seadragon: *wide-eyed* Did- did I just _say_ that?!

Treanz: *whips out a thermometer and takes Seadragon's temperature* Tsk, tsk, you're running a fever! Don't tell me you were chasing people in the rain again!

Seadragon: Er… Oops?

Treanz: Well, seeing as it's making you delirious, a pacifist, and, strangely enough, nice, we know it's effecting you quite badly. Nothing but bed rest for you!

Seadragon: *whines* But Neal…

Treanz: Now!

Seadragon: *sniff*

Alanna: Am I the only one who has no idea what's going on?

Treanz: I thought you went with Thayet.

Alanna: *grins* About that…

Treanz: *rolls eyes* I swear! You Tortallans are so violent! *gasps* Oh no! I've caught it to! Damn you Seadragon! Damn you!

Seadragon: Heh, sorry?

Treanz: Meanie. Augh! Someone! Anyone! Help!

Alanna: *grins* Well, seeing as both of our hosts have _unfortunately_ caught KIND. Which, by the way, stands for, **K**ind **I**ntelligent **N**ice **D**o-gooder Disease. It's very serious. Anyway, seeing have they have KIND, that means that I, Alanna, have control! Mwhahahaha!

White Chocolate Turtle Men in Charge of Hostile Collection Officer Graham Cracker: Hey! That's her! Hostile 3! You know, the one who ate Officer Chocolate Chip!

White Chocolate Turtle Men in Charge of Hostile Collection Officer Peanut Brittle: ATTACK!

Alanna: Help!!

Seadragon: What d'you know, these guys are _very_ useful. Maybe I'll get some more, or maybe some of those Bomber Cockroaches. Or some Raging Gorilla Mice that came with Uzis…

- - - - -

And thanks to today's sponsors!

_The Apocalypse Monkeys_!

_The Uber Great Under Water Mash Potato Army_!

And,

_The Invisible Chinchillas of Doom_!

- - - - -

And, for the first time in my history of a fan fiction writer, a special thanks to the reviewers!

I'm beginning to think KIND has jumped out of my computer…

**Bev Baudelaire**: Thank you! Well, don't kill yourself laughing… Oh no! What am I saying?! KIND is lose! It's gonna take over the world! *sniff*

**Evil Reno**: Die evil bitch! Just kidding! You know I love you. Ergh, I was a attacked by a rabid beetle once. Unfortunately, the beetle one… Doesn't say much about me does it?

**Kassi of Pirate's Swoop**: Alright, so it wasn't _exactly_ soon, but I'm trying! Really!

**Dead Life**: Ooh! Me likes Jack! Thanks by the way!

**Wolf of Light**: It didn't take me that long! Did it? Meh. I give up. I rarely update this story, and I am sorry! But, it does happen occasionally! Be proud of me people! It's hard! Okay, no it's not, I love to write. But, hey! What can I say?

**FlamingKnight**: Why thank you! I'll keep that in mind! Ooh! Speaking of weird things to eat… At my school (HSC) we have hot tea and coffee. Mix: 1/3 coffee, 1/3 tea, 1/3 chocolate milk. Stir well and drink. I _accidentally_ poured a cup down my friend's back the other day. Total accident, I swear!

**Aki Majere**: I will, slowly but surely! Thanks!

**Peachy Garlic**: Well, I suppose you learn something new everyday! By the by, do you have MSN? If so, add me @ alexlippert@hotmail.com. This is for anyone who wants to contact me on MSN, my other address is for e-mails. Well, Treanz came, and nearly conquered, but, she got sick too, sorry!


End file.
